Being a step parent is can be difficult. Here are some tips on being a stepdad. Always be flexable, and supportive of your wife, able to find a mentor, and remember that the marriage will survive.
The role of Stepdad is one of the most treacherous and heart-rending of all callings.
Whatever preconceived notions you may have must be disgarded immediately. This role will require nothing less than your complete pouring out of heart and soul into a child that believes you are the Antichrist.
There are a few guidelines that will assist you in your quest.
#1. The Rules will change every day. If something is successful on Monday, it is guaranteed not to work on Tuesday. Each day will require you opportunities to demonstrate your understanding and flexability. If you are blessed enough to have a teenage Stepdaughter, the rules will change on a minute to minute basis. Often she will wait to see your response before determining her own opinion. This observation time will insure that she differs with you on everything from the length of her phone calls to the shade of purple that she dyes her hair.
#2. Always support your wife in front of the kids. If the kids can divide you and your wife, they will conquer your marriage. Your wife will be torn between her obligation to her flesh and blood and her undying love for you. A word to the wise is that this is best understood and not actually tested by fire. Hammer out issues with your wife behind closed doors.
#3. Your not alone. There are millions of other Stepdads in the world that are just as confused and discouraged as you are. Never get to thinking that you are traveling where no man has gone before.
#4. Try to find a older stepdad that has survived. You will find that he not only walked where you are walking but he survived. This will give you hope and faith.
#5. You will survive. The kids will graduate and leave home. Stitch this on a sampler if that is what it takes for you to remember this. Never forget that you love your wife and that you married her, not the kids. The kids are temporary, she is permanent. Your marriage will survive!
Infomation on adoption and, an outline of what should be considered when contemplating adoption.
Whether we are married or single, at some point in our adult lifetime many of us consciously make a decision as to whether or not to become parents. For married couples and some single women the decision is easy and they become parents through the biological processes of conception and childbirth. But for others who are not able to conceive the road to parenthood can be a much more difficult journey.
In recent years with the help of science and technology more couples have been able to start families. These same individuals may not have been able to conceive children some 15 to 20 years earlier. Improved fertility drugs and procedures such as artificial insemination and in vitro fertilization, as well as, the growing acceptance of surrogates have all paved the way for more people becoming parents.
But what can a couple do when they have explored and pursued every medical option available, yet still find themselves childless? What can a single woman or man do if she or he would like to become a parent, but is not in a relationship which would produce a child? And what if, due to the conflicts between a person’s religious beliefs or personal financial restrictions, the option of becoming a parent through the wonders of modern medicine are not possible? Adoption may be the only method available to these people to become a parent.
Most of us have heard how difficult it is to adopt and how adoptive families are carefully scrutinized prior to being approved for adoption. Couples wanting to adopt infants are told time after time that they may have a 2- to 3-year wait before an infant can be placed with them. We have seen tearful images on the evening news of toddlers being ripped from their adoptive parents’ arms to be reunited with birthparents. Toddlers who were relinquished and placed at birth with an adoptive family for the purpose of adoption. So why would anyone want to take on the uphill battle of adoption? Motivation!
Motivation...What is yours?
Motivation is the driving force and the key to success in adoption! A lack of motivation will ultimately lead to a failed adoption or may even prevent you from taking the first step towards adoption. Whether you are an infertile couple, a single man or woman, or a fertile couple who chooses not to conceive, it is important that you know and understand the reasons you are choosing to adopt. However, "reasoning" and "motivation" are two different entities.
For many couples infertility is the reason behind their decision for adoption; but the desire to share their love with a child is their motivation to adopt. Yet, unresolved issues surrounding a couple’s infertility may be the primary reason they are unable to adopt. It is not uncommon when an adoptive family is interviewed by a social worker these unresolved issues arise; and it is decided that before the adoption process goes further, the couple must reconcile their feelings concerning their infertility.
Adoption Is A Joint Decision!
Although the statement above seems fairly simple and should go without being said; there are couples who, when faced with the decision to adopt, discover their respective spouses are only interested in having a biological child and adoption is not a topic up for discussion. It is important that couples communicate with each other before and throughout their marriage as to what things are important to them and what is and is not acceptable in deciding upon starting a family. For couples, adoption should be a mutual decision.
To take above statement one step further, couples may want to consider the thoughts and concerns of extended family members when making adoption plans. A couple may be open to adopting a child of a race or ethnic background different from their own, but extended family members may be unwilling to accept a child not of their own race or background.
As you can see, there is a great deal to consider when contemplating adoption as a way of starting or adding to your family. Adoption may not be the answer for everyone, but it can certainly be a winning option for those willing to open their hearts and homes to children in need of receiving and wanting to give love.
Pushy in-laws can be controlled if you are kind and polite but also firm and assertive.When you and your spouse begin your life together, there are so many things you have to work out. Of course, not the least of these is handling in-law issues and potential problems. Often, problems don’t materialize until a grandchild enters the picture. Of course, a new baby is a cause of celebration for everyone involved. Unfortunately, a new grandchild can also be the source of conflicts, resentments, and even estrangements.
How do you deal with pushy in-laws? If you are a new parent, you may be a little overwhelmed, insecure, and quite hesitant to handle any problems that may arise with your in-laws. The trouble with being non-assertive, however, is that often your in-laws end up viewing you as an inexperienced parent, who is in constant need of their help and advice. Their good intentions may transform into overbearing bossiness.
Problems may begin to surface even before the baby is born. If you are an expectant parent, you may find yourself defending future decisions concerning your child’s daycare, bedtime schedules, and whether to breast or bottle feed your baby. If you are already sensing disapproval, then imagine what problems you will face once the baby is actually here!
It only makes sense to start taking charge as early as possible. If your mother-in-law assumes she will be in the delivery room with you and you do not want this, ideally your husband should handle this ahead of time. However, if he doesn’t, the last thing you should have to deal with as you prepare to have your child is a pushy grandmother-to-be. One of the best answers to this potential problem is to involve the nurse. You or your husband should inform the nursing staff of your wishes concerning any visitors. Then, let her do her job. She can control who is and isn’t allowed into the labor and delivery room for you.
You should have a plan in place for when you and your baby are released from the hospital. Most new moms want to spend some time with their immediate family. If this is what you want, then be assertive enough to make it happen! Remember, if you begin letting your in-laws make your decisions, then they will continue to do so. You want to set the pattern and establish the standards from the beginning.
If your in-laws expect to be at your house on your first day home, you can politely tell them that you just want time with your family. You can then suggest other days for them to visit. If they act upset or hurt, you will just have to get tough. They will get over it! If your in-laws live out of town and expect to come and stay for a few days, you will need to make the decisions as to when and how long they should stay. If they continue to press you to let them have their way on this issue, again you will have to firmly tell them what is best for you. Hopefully, you can handle this politely and respectfully, but if you can’t, it is still better to establish who is in control right from the start.
Another problem that parents have with in-laws centers on the amount of time the grandparents have with their grandchildren. It is completely understandable that they want to see their grandchildren, but it should be your decision and not theirs! Often, grandparents are so thrilled when a new grandchild comes along that they want to take over, almost as if the child is theirs instead of the parents’ child. They should understand that they cannot come and go freely at your home unless this is what you wish, also. Inform them that you would love to see them, but they need to call ahead of time first. Do not give in or change your plans just because they act upset or hurt. You are setting a standard that, in time, should become a habit.
If your in-laws insist on doing things with your children that are against your wishes, you will need to have a serious talk with them. If they are ignoring basic safety issues, such as placing your child in a car seat or feeding your child certain foods which you do not want her to have, you may have to limit their contact with your child for a time. If you do this, however, be sure and let your in-laws know exactly why you are limiting their visits. Hopefully, their desire to see your child will temper their behavior.
As your child grows, you and your in-laws should, hopefully, come to terms with certain expectations, needs, and wants of all the relationships involved. Until then, try to remain loving and firm with your in-laws.
If your family has been involved in a feud for too long, here are some ideas for getting everyone to bury the hatchet.
Like the Hatfields and the McCoys, some branches of family continue to battle generation after generation. Often they forget who started the conflict in the first place, or why. But they don't forget to keep their anger alive instead of setting aside differences to make peace.
If you're part of a family feud, or aware of someone who's involved in one, you may want to take the role of mediator and help defuse the situation. It won't be easy, but a peaceful outcome is worth the effort. Here are some ideas for tackling this sensitive project:
1. Don't take sides. Avoid blaming one person or family over another. Although one group may be more volatile than another, it's likely that both, or all, were involved in fanning the flames to some extent. Unless there is a clear indicator of guilt, approach the situation in an arbiter's role, with an open mind, and encourage others to do the same. Remind everyone that we're all human, we make mistakes, and sometimes we lose our tempers. But since life is short, we ought to protect and preserve our family linkages and enjoy them while we can to avoid later regrets.
2. Choose a neutral setting. You may want to email both parties or telephone them for the first contact. This provides space and time for a thoughtful reply. Later, as relatives become more willing to talk to each other in a spirit of reconciliation, let them come to your home instead of one of theirs. Or better yet, meet at a restaurant where no one can be accused of invading the other's turf. Let everyone buy their own dinner, and have a mental or written agenda of what you hope will happen. Share it in advance with those who will attend.
3. Emphasize conciliatory gestures. You might wish to open the session by explaining how important and valuable each family member is, and how it hurts the entire network of relatives when some of them cannot get along. Promote unity and attempt to get the feuding parties to agree that they need to stop fighting and start getting along despite their differing mindsets. One side might offer an apology, or the other can attempt an explanation. Watch for slight nuances of language that hint at building tensions, and redirect communication in a more positive direction.
4. Plan a positive event. After the initial meeting, host a family picnic or Christmas party to bring the wounded relatives together. This is especially important if there is a big event planned later, like a wedding or anniversary party. Your event will allow for a trial run so that any residual hurt feelings or ill wishes can rise to the surface sooner rather than later.
5. Praise everyone involved. Point out each person's strengths and successes to those who may be unaware of them. Downplay failures or errors. As healing begins to take place, feelings may still be tender for a while, so tread lightly when the topic of past hurts comes up. Change the subject if you can. Then approach each person individually to offer thanks for playing a positive role in getting the issues settled.
6. Continue building family unity. Plan annual reunions or holiday celebrations. Circulate a family newsletter or ezine. Mail photographs to distant relatives to stay in touch. Make occasional telephone calls to cement fragile relationships.
Family feuds are all too common. What's less common is the person who is willing to take the initiative in helping the others overcome their distrust and hurt to start the rebuilding process.
You can help your parent with the stresses of aging by keeping the lines of communication open and staying in contact with his or her doctor.
With new medical breakthroughs everyday, it is no wonder that people are living for greater periods of time. Many elderly are experiencing a chance to survive much longer than their ancestors. Sometimes their quality of life is excellent almost until they die. Even if they are able to still perform many daily activities, older people do have certain limitations. They might not want to face these limitations, however, and often, their adult children have to make sure they recognize and understand them.
Deciding whether your elderly parent is still able to drive can become a major decision and even a source of conflict between you and your parent. It is very difficult for anyone to give up a part of their independence, so it is quite understandable that your father or mother might not see the need to surrender their car keys to you.
Of course various states have different laws concerning drivers’ licenses, and you need to be up-to-date on these regulations. You also need to use common sense. If your parent becomes confused, easily upset, and nervous at minor occurrences, he or she may not have the ability to react with the split second decisions that are required for operating a motorized vehicle. Also, your elderly parent may have physical ailments that would prevent him from driving safely.
All of these are good reasons to confiscate your parent’s keys, but how do you do that and allow him to retain a feeling of independence? If your mother or father can still communicate effectively, then you need to sit down with him or her and discuss your concerns. Be aware of your attitude. Don’t treat him as a child, but instead speak respectfully. Point out all of the good traits and abilities that they still possess. Try not to focus too long on the negatives. Reiterate how much you love him, and how much you worry when you know he is driving. Many times parents will relinquish their keys if they know they are causing their child extra worry. You will need to be firm, however, and stand your ground. If all else fails, consult your parent’s doctor for help.
Many times certain traits become more magnified as a person ages. This magnification could be the result of a reaction to various medicines, or it could simply be the result of the onset of senility. Whatever the reason, if traits such as anger or depression are magnified, then problems with your parent may increase.
Before you make any major decisions, speak with your parent’s doctor and even the pharmacist about possible reactions to medicines. Often times, a change in medicine can trigger a change in behavior. If, however, it appears that your parent is simply succumbing to old age or senility, it is very important to keep the lines of communication open for as long as possible.
If your parent has exhibited extreme anger or depression, you need to have a serious talk with him or her. Often times, he might think his behavior is perfectly acceptable simply because he is old. You can point out that your parent should still be responsible enough to treat others with respect. If you have children, you might want to inform your parents that you expect them to set a good example for your children. Of course, talking can only work for so long, especially if there is a medical reason for their behavior.
The most important point is you must try to remember that your parent was once your caretaker and provider. Now that the roles have become somewhat reversed, it may be hard for him or her to give up that role of authority. Although you may need to take some type of action for your parents’ own safety, they still need to be treated with respect. Let them enter into the decision making process as much as possible. Try to give them choices. Listen to them vent their frustrations and fears. Give them an abundance of support and love.
If you can maintain a good relationship with your parent and keep the lines of communication open with his or her doctors, you can help your parent enjoy the last years of his life as much as possible. Remember, one day you might be an aging parent, too.
